Marriage & Enjoying life
“So, we are really going to do this?”
“Yes, we really are!”
I remember the feeling of excitement I felt in those first few weeks after having the baby talk! Blissfully unaware of the journey that lay ahead of us. I guess I had that romantic notion that girl meets boy, girl marries boy, girl and boy have a baby!
Well, no – not always! After spending my early youth telling my body NOT to get pregnant, I somehow miraculously thought, Ok, body I am ready now, let us have a baby!
Mark and I married in 2007 surrounded by our amazing family and friends. This was followed by our honeymoon period, where we said, let’s enjoy married life and each other as we had plenty of time.
Roll on four years (in between this we casually talked about starting a family and stopped using protection), and we had the ‘proper’ baby talk. Although, thinking back now, I had this overwhelming feeling in my stomach that something was not right.
Trying, came & went
First, I was flooded with feelings of excitement and optimism. I start dreaming of the gender of the baby to be, would it be a boy or a girl? Visions of what the nursery would look like. Scouring Pinterest for inspiration and ideas! As months went by, I became consumed in this new world of fertility, that I never knew existed! I felt I was a well educated female but suddenly realising I didn’t know when I ovulated, what to look out for, what my cervical mucus was telling me or how many fertile days a woman really had or actually understanding that there was only a small window of opportunity each month to actually get pregnant.
Over the months, then years this excitement turned into disappointment. Test after test showing a blank space- negative. Feeling exhausted, frustrated, and lonely. Each month was more discouraging than the last. Lying on the bedroom floor bawling so hard I can’t breathe, after discovering another negative test. Hard tears falling each month, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Turning to Mark and wondering, would he leave me? He was my rock and I his. But somewhere those negative thoughts creep in. Although trying to conceive tested our relationship in ways I never knew it could, we were strong. We kept each other going, picked each other up and each year we would whisper too each other this is ‘OUR’ year.
Other babies/ friends’ babies
During this time, I felt like I was wearing a mask. Happy on the outside yet inside my heart was aching. My brave face and armour were my protection. Do not let that WALL come down was my mantra. I was not jealous as friends started having babies long before us, but there was always a pang of anger asking when our turn is. At this point I was not talking to friends or family. Shutting them out and not giving them a chance to support me- because I did not even explain what was going on Getting angrier each day and at times lashing out. On a continuous and never-ending emotional rollercoaster.
White walls, tall windows overlooking Dublin city, here we are sitting in the fertility clinic. The walls are strewn with hopeful baby pictures. Mark and I keep looking at each other. Nervous, scared, and excited. The same excitement we had when we had ‘the baby talk’. Although this excitement was different, we felt hopeful. We were asking for help; we were going to get answers to all that unknown.