fbpx Skip to main content

From The Heart Series #2 – The Shutdown

By August 4, 2020March 2nd, 2021No Comments

The Diagnosis

If I’m to be perfectly honest, I don’t think we anticipated the fertility specialist saying the words, ‘You will never get pregnant naturally’.

It was a body-blow. All that initial excitement and hope went, instantly, out the window.

It seems strange to think that way as we were sitting in a fertility clinic and we hadn’t been able to get pregnant- but there was a small glimmer inside of me that thought, ‘just maybe…’.

I remember looking at my husband, Mark, and wishing I had special powers to read his mind. But, then again, I didn’t need to. The pain was visibly etched across his face; the shock had drained the colour from his cheeks. This was what hopelessness looked like.

‘We had an answer’

We were told our struggles to get pregnant were due to male factor infertility. For my husband, this could never have been helped – he was born with an undescended testicle. This condition means that a testicle remains inside the body, where it is at a higher temperature. This, in turn, causes reduced both sperm count and quality, thereby reducing the likelihood of a man being able to fertilise a woman’s egg and, subsequently, father a child.

You might think that having a diagnosis would have given us hope and something to work on. But it didn’t.

That day we became a statistic. We became part of the 25% of couples in the developed countries around the world experiencing fertility problems. We became the ‘one’ in the proverbial ‘one in four’.

I vividly remember walking, thinking, “Ok, now we know, now we work on what we can do. We have a plan; the clinic will do its job and science will help us make a baby.”

What I hadn’t anticipated was the emotional rollercoaster we were about to embark on or what I call ‘The Shutdown’.

‘The Shutdown’

My husband felt like a failure. He felt his masculinity was being judged. He felt less of a man because he couldn’t give me —or him— the one thing in the whole world we yearned for: a baby.

As a husband, he felt he was failing at his job and letting me down. That sense of failure made him frustrated, envious, angry and sometimes irrational. Many nights he told me to leave and find someone else, someone who could produce a baby. What followed was our ‘shutdown’ year.

The year we pretended everything was fine.

The year we smiled on the outside, yet inside we wanted to scream.

The year we were in denial.

The year we emotionally, physically and mentally shut down trying to conceive.

    Your Cart
    Your cart is emptyReturn to Shop
      Calculate Shipping
      Apply Coupon
      Available Coupons
      alex10 Get  10.00 off Alex O'Connor Essex Fertility
      arr10 Get 10% off Association of Reproductive Reflexologists Discount Code
      avocado10 Get 10% off Avocado Fertility
      bethan10 Get 10% off Divine Blossom
      bnh10 Get 10% off Caroline Spindlow
      efp10 Get 10% off Enhanced Fertility Programme
      egn10 Get 10% off Eleanor Gordon Nutrition
      eleanorgordon20 Get 20% off Eleanor Gordon Discount Code 20%
      evah10 Get 10% off Log House Clinic
      fertifa20 Get 20% off
      fertilelife10 Get 10% off Cindy Charles
      fertilitysuite10 Get 10% off Rachel Sherriff
      free shipping Get  0.00 off
      ilana10 Get 10% off Acupuncture By Ilana
      innerlight10 Get 10% off Deirdre Souchere
      ivfbabble20 Get 20% off
      Unavailable Coupons
      biomeday20 Get 20% off World Microbiome Day Promotional Code for 3 months supply
      biomeday20 Get 20% off World Microbiome Day 2022
      fertilnat10 Get 10% off Fertilidade Natural Discount Code
      freeshipping Get 100% off
      Ovulation Calculator