Lately, my usual enthusiasm and “I can do anything” attitude has taken a hit. As I prepare for what may be my last fertility treatment, my mind has been filled with worries and doubts. It all started when I had a conversation with my doctor about the two embryos, I’ve been waiting to use for the past five years. I found myself saying things like, “they probably won’t survive the thaw anyway,” even though those embryos have been on my mind every day, and every night. Why am I starting to be so dismissive now, at a time when I need hope more than ever?
I think I’m going into self-preservation mode. I’m trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. But by doing so, I’m also letting negative thoughts get in. I worry that the embryos won’t survive, that the drugs won’t work, that my body won’t cooperate, or that the timing of the transfer will be wrong. And then my mind wanders to even darker thoughts: what if it works and I miscarry again? What if I’m putting myself and a potential baby at risk because of my age? Am I being selfish by wanting this so badly? Should I be happy with the life I have?
But I know that giving in to these negative thoughts won’t help me. I’ve been down this road before, and I know how powerful hope can be. I remind myself of the words of Rupi Kaur’s poem, “Don’t Quit,” and find strength in continuing to try. And I’m grateful for the women I’ve connected with through writing about my journey. By sharing our stories and supporting each other, we can lift each other up when we need it the most.
One thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to ask for help. I’ve been lucky to have a friend and colleague, Amy Simpson, who invited me to join her free masterclass on “How to Remove the Blocks to Conception.” By focusing on the mind, body, and energetic aspects of preparing to conceive, Amy shows us how to overcome the biggest blocks that stand in our way. I’m grateful for this opportunity to learn from her, and for the chance to connect with other women who are going through the same challenges as I am.
As I approach this final fertility treatment, I know that I can’t control everything. But I can control how I react to the challenges that come my way. By focusing on the things that bring me joy, like good nutrition and exercise, and by leaning on the support of others, I can stay hopeful and positive. And I send that same love, warmth, and positive energy to anyone else who’s on this journey with me.